Wagon Wheel

This image represents the relationship of how everything in your life is connected to your self-esteem. Everything. How you manage each segment is determined by how intact your self-esteem is cracked, the wheel will wobble; you will not trust your own instincts, you will compromise your respect, you will live in fear of the unknown, allowing the monster in your closet to define your reality.

Last month I wrote about how the decision to update my website has triggered off a lot of yet additional self-examination of this journey, affectionately called ‘ my life’. And, it turns out to be a much slower process than I expected.

This month is a bigger milestone: finishing the first draft of my book.

And, as I have said to the first two people who are reading it, they get to see me in my real time struggle with all the issues I constantly talk about: self-sabotage, monsters in the closet, fear of being too visible. As I have always said, I am the poster child for my own business. It turns out to be a great learning window for my clients; they get to witness my confronting paralyzing fears, using the tools I have given them to master their fears in order get to the next level. It matters less when one arrives, and more, that one does arrive.

I have gotten great tools to ‘master the moment’ from both pivotal people in my life and five books that gave me insights as to how to create action steps that have grounded me and lit the road ahead so I could keep going on this journey to reach my goal.

One of the books that constantly enlightens me is Susan Piver’s HOW NOT TO BE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN LIFE.
As all of us have re-seen films and revisited books, at each encounter we see a new layer, a new subtlety, and, as it happens for me now, the new layers are the lessons I need right now. Not an accident.

Her chapter on ‘gentleness being the feather to control the elephant’ (my metaphor) explains how and why the best antidote for fear is gentleness and softness. Both are rooted in compassion for others and ourselves. And, humor, which always provides breathing room in the moment.
This understanding and then employing it spawned the question: Is competence learned or innate? Competence being the opposite of fear. Did I really have something of value to share; would my insights resonate with people whom I’ve never met; would people actually start to make different choices if they saw their lives through a different prism?

What I started to realize is that competence is both innate and environmental; we are all born with capacity, competence and goodness. But, we get derailed in our early childhoods.
We hear too often destructive messages that are constantly trying to control us and shift us from our authentic selves, from our true instincts. We start to question our own abilities to master the challenges ahead.
For me, I had a very fearful Mother. Those warnings not to: (You fill in the blank) have rendered me a non-risk taker in physical and certain psychological arenas.

In contrast, I have a dear friend who is quite the opposite….anything physical and high risk…. skiing, sailing, diving, car racing, etc, she jumps in with grace and aplomb.
I scratch my head and have wondered ‘how does she do that?’…..Now I know.

She, after the passing of her Mother at a very young age, was brought up by her father who had no patience for girl-like activities, and became a tom-boy…climbing trees, swimming by 5 years old in the ocean, sailing on her own by the time she was 9. She and her younger brother were taught fearlessness by their Dad’s confidence, and some times by his impatience. But today, she is a great role model for her daughter because she has physical competence; never blinks when it comes to doing something physical.

I make the connection between the physical and the psychological because for me, there were no expectations of me growing up, no one set the bar and said: “you can do this…” I was lost in the fog of fantasy as to what the “thing” was (looked good but actually required effort and discipline) and and how it actually played out.

So, as I have been getting positive comments back entwined with constructive criticism on the book, I find myself having difficulty taking credit with the positive comments, and like many of my clients, gravitate towards the negative.

I actually wrote this book 3 years ago and could not pick it up until this past February. I knew it would require some serious re-writing.It has, I’ve had to re-write the whole thing. But, I had the help of a woman, who I had never formally met, who made me accountable in our weekly reviews of what I had written. Her suggestions and questions made ‘getting back in the water’ less scary. She came up with great art for the temporary cover, asked me questions that forced me to look directly at my reluctances, and move forward in spite of them.

What I am learning is that like many things, what you see in front of you is actually like three-dimensional tic-tack-toe; it exists in many forms all in this specific time, all of which is to teach, to be grateful for, to let go of, to heal.

Letting go is the hardest lesson I have ever encountered; it is counter intuitive, kind of like rafting. The rules of river rafting are: If you get thrown out of the boat, get on your back and allow the rapids to carry you…ARE YOU KIDDING ?????!!!!

When I got thrown out of the boat, 25 yrs ago on the California River, the first thing I did was try to grab a rock as the fast current swept me down stream…not being a strong swimmer, I panicked…not a wise thing to do, but regardless, my instinct was to hold onto and look for security, a rock. There were no boats behind me, so as the boat that had thrown me out disappeared on the horizon, I knew this was ‘it’ for me…I panicked even more, cursed, gasped for air as the waters swirled around and took me under again.
To say the least, I had no perspective, no sense of humor, nothing to literally and metaphorically hold onto.

I had been told, as we started our journey 2 hours ago, we were the rescue boat…the last boat down….and we had the responsibility to pluck out of the rapids who got thrown out….hmmm…never occurred to me to ask : “hey…who will rescue us?”.

As I was bobbed in the water and taken again against my will down the rapids, what I thought about was bizarre….but I then heard yelling behind me as I saw the boat with the drunken ZBT Fraternity brothers maneuvering towards me to catch me before the next whirlpool that really would have done me in. I was never so happy to see this motley crew that all of us had made fun of earlier because they had a professional rower who steered the boat (NOTE TO SELF: Hire this guy next time you want to test out your life insurance policy…)

What did I learn that weekend?….not a whole lot….but 27 years later, it all came back to me with the wisdom of being COUNTER-INTUTITIVE: when feeling fearful, let-go….and trust; there is rock out there, you just can’t see it yet.

Sessions:
A 20 week journey that looks at your life in three time zones: the present (your current choices and behavior) past (where your life started to split and become one of adaptation rather than remain authentic) and future (getting tools to prevent the further erosion of your true self).

The sessions revolve around very specific topics that reflect those time zones. For example: Your current state of being covers isolation, depression, loneliness and helplessness. When we look at your past, we will discuss shame, abandonment, anger, and fear. When we examine how those past feelings show up in your behaviors today as metaphors and symbols, we will discuss manipulation, perfection, chaos, and procrastination.
Then, getting the tools to control your future shows up in the category of boundaries, compassion, patience and permission.

These sessions are designed to be the last ‘dance’ for you…the ultimate answer as to WHY you do what you do, and how to permanently change those behaviors that no longer serve you…

These sessions are $150/hr, paid monthly for four sessions. To arrange for your free consultation, send me an e-mail @: Pegi@thefinancialwhisperer.com and we will find a suitable time. Put in the subject line: Fin/Whisp consultation